Have you ever wanted to talk to your pet? What would you say, if you could? Maybe you’d ask them what they think of you – they probably spend more time with you and know you more intimately than any human person, after all. And of course, you’d sincerely hope that they loved you as much as you loved them. Maybe you’d just have a good old chinwag and talk to them in the same way you’d talk to your best mate.
Or perhaps you’d take the chance to ask some more practical questions – do they like the brand of food you buy them? Is there anything you could do to make their lives better?
The possibilities are limitless. Just imagine if you were granted the power to speak to your four-legged friend, even if only for 24 hours. That’s what these Redditors did – here’s what they would communicate to their pets if given the chance.
1. A heart to heart
I’d take mine up to the mountains, hike, camp, and just get to know the real them. What makes them happy? Sad? Why do they pee on my husband’s pillow?
I would tell them how much I truly love them and always will. How happy they make me. Why I don’t want them barking at the mail carrier and the very nice UPS guy.
2. Take notes
Write down every single quality of life improvements I can make for you. Let’s go find you your perfect food to eat, let’s make sure there aren’t any aches and pains you have that we can’t address.
Tell me all of your favorite spots, what you like, what you don’t. Literally everything.
3. Get to know them
I would tell them that I love them, and that they’re good, and I would explain that I don’t cut their nails or vacuum the floor to hurt and scare them, it’s just stuff I need to do. I would want to know what their lives looked like before they got to my family, if they can remember it. I would talk to them about funny stories from when they were young, and hopefully they’d have funny stories from when I was young. I would also like to hear what gossip they might know because people still talk when pets are around.
I would want to ask them if there are ways I’ve been caring for them wrong, how I can care for them better and enrich their lives more. Are they hurting in any places that aren’t obvious? They’re getting old, so I just want them to be happy for as many years as they have left.
4. If only you could explain
My animals are older, 16 to 9, and I would love to know if anything hurts. I would also want to know their favourite spot to scratch.
I would also tell my dog that the cat food is not her’s and she’s on diet food for a reason. She has a heart murmur and needs to lose some pounds.
5. Tell them you love them
If I could have a conversation with my dog I’d also ask her if she feels loved, what makes her happy, is she hurting anywhere and how can I make her feel better? What’s her favorite food Does she want a brother or sister? What’s her favorite place to visit? Does she like when I read to her? And why is she always staring at me when I wake up in the morning?
I’d tell her I’m sorry for all the times I accidentally hurt her or scared her, I didn’t mean to, I love you. I would also tell her she is my favorite thing in the world; there is nothing and no one better than her. I’d tell her she makes me happy everyday. And all I want is to make her happy. I’d tell her how much I love seeing her face first thing in the morning, and at night, patting her back softly until she falls asleep, tucked into my arm while I read before we go to bed. My world is a 20 lb ball of fur on 4 legs and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
6. Everything is OK
I would tell him that I love him, he’s my world, that I would never hit him (still flinches if I move too fast).
Also to stop biting his brother and to be nice to other doggies. They are not a threat because you are my baby.
7. Open up about the past
I would explain to them how much I love them and how they’ve saved my life many times. I would ask what happened to them before they came into my life.
They’re both rescues and we have made HUGE progress over the last three years, but they were pretty traumatized when I adopted both of them.
8. What’s the problem
For me it would just be getting one cat to stop being a fucking a**hole to the other one. He wants to be friends and she is just an old grumpy b**ch, always attacking him usually for no reason other than he gets too close or is doing something she disapproves of. She’ll go up to him sometimes after he’s been outside to get a sniff, then swipes at him, like, what the f**k are you doing?
She won’t care though if it’s bedtime and he sleeps on one side of me and she sleeps on the other, essentially pinning me under the blanket. She has, on occasion, slept right next to him, which blew my mind the first time. So yeah, would really like to know what her damn problem is.
9. Question time
I’d have mostly questions. You don’t have to like your brother, but can we all agree to just coexist peacefully please? I understand that taking medicine is no fun, but it’s what makes you feel better, so please stop fighting me whenever I need to give you the thing. It’ll suck for a couple seconds and then it’s over.
What is your obsession with lettuce? Do you actually like the food I feed you? Is the temperature I keep the thermostat good for you?
10. So sweet
I love you, so so much. You make it worthwhile for me to wake up each day and I always look forward to coming home from work because I know you will be there. I promise to give you as many pets as you want. You always have a special spot at the corner of the bed. No, you can’t have treats instead of kibbles.
Sometimes we have to go to the scary vet, but know that they are helping you. You may have to stay there, and feel very lonely. But know that I will always be there to pick you up. I’m sorry that it’s scary, but they will make you better. Your companionship has made me a better person and I will be forever grateful. But please, I’m begging you, stop rolling in dead things on our walks.
11. Puppy love
Pepper, you’re an amazing little dog. I’m so happy to be watching you grow up. Please stop obsessing over the soccer ball at the dog park.
I promise we can play with it whenever you want, but you can’t get possessive over it when it literally isn’t ours. You’re the best cuddler ever, though, so never stop that.
12. Trip down memory lane
I want him to tell me all about what his life was like before we got him. He was a 2 year old shelter boy, so who knows. I’d also want to know how he feels about different people he’s met, different music he’s heard and so on. I would love to get to know him better, so I could make his life even more enjoyable.
I’d tell him that I love him, and that he needs to be a good listener. Not all of the rules are fun, but they are meant to keep him safe and healthy.
13. No change
I don’t think it’d change much. You’re such a good pupper, I love you dog, you’re great, you’re a total pain in the a*s (with as much love as that statement can have).
Damn it dog, don’t you ever get tired of playing catch? It’s been like an hour, etc.
14. Make them understand
I would really sit her down to ask why she tries to walk over my laptop when I’m working so much, and explain how annoying and distracting it is.
Maybe if she understands desk time = job = pays the bills and puts a roof over her head and food in the bowl, she will back off a bit.
15. Say goodbye
My dog is getting close to the end of his life, I’ve had him since I was 13 and I’m 25 now. He’s my best friend and at times he’s been my only friend.
So I would tell him thank you for that and that I’m going to miss him more than he’ll ever know. And that I’m so lucky to have had such a great dog all of these years and how much he means to me.
16. Explain to them
I would explain to them about my brother passing away. He spent everyday with them and they seem really lost and confused.
They keep sleeping on his belongings since he passed away. We could just sit and talk about all of our good memories of him.
17. Let him know
First and foremost, I would tell my pup that I love him so incredibly much, and that he means the world to me. After that I would ask him if anything was wrong, if anything hurt or if I was doing something he didn’t like (any way of petting, talking to him, food, etc.).
Then I would explain that I don’t leave him because I want to, but because dogs aren’t allowed at work and school. But that I think about him until I come home. I would explain why I take him to the vet, give him pills, and clip his nails.
18. Three messages
I would explain to my dog the health changes that made it hard for me to walk him much or play tugs and that I am working on finding ways to do this with him again for him and ask him why he insists on barking at everything and using me as a step stool. Also I would explain that not every small animal wants to be his friend.
For my male cat I would ask him why he is such an a**hole and explain that I am not a trampoline. For my female cat I would ask her why she hates everything and why she is such an a**hole and probably lecture her about getting along with her brothers.
19. Means a lot
I’d tell my cat that when I literally almost died from illness and I was at my worst, delirious, crying and unable to move in bed, I still remembered him coming into my room, curling up next to me and checking to see if I was still breathing every hour or so.
Even though he wasn’t allowed in the bedrooms and got caught and punished for it, he did it day in and day out until I was strong enough to pat him again, and even then stayed longer. I’d tell him that that action alone meant more than anything anyone has ever done for me, and I will remember that until the day I actually do die. He’s 19 now and I don’t think he’d make it up the stairs to my bedroom, but I know if he had to, he’d find a way. Because I’d do the same for him.
20. Old dog
I would let my old boy know that he is a very good boy, despite his old age and his inability to even be pet comfortably that I still love him very much.
That even though I may not play with him as much, or accidentally give him arthritis pain, I still love him all the same and I hope to make what time I have left with him count.
After telling him how much I love him and that I can’t even express how much I love him, I’d ask what else I can do for him. I’d also explain that some foods are bad for him and could kill him which is why he’s not allowed chocolate or grapes.
Then I’d spend so very very long teaching him tricks and dances together and having big cuddle sessions.
22. A good chinwag
To the dog: Just explain to them how much I love them. I feel bad when I have to cut your zoomies time short because I have to go to work. I think about you all the time. I like you more than I do almost all people.
Being around you makes me happy and you are a good girl! We will take another hiking trip to a new state soon! I also have to ask why you hate being brushed, what’s up with that?
23. Let me know when it’s time
My oldest dog’s heart is failing. She’s on tons of meds and breathes hard all the time and has a hard time getting comfortable. And yet, she’s still highly food-motivated, wags her tail vigorously whenever we’re “talking” and loves going for a “walk” (meaning outside on the leash to the corner – then I carry her back).
I’d want to talk to her and ask if she has enjoyed her life, how she’s feeling, what I could do to make her more comfortable, and how she would let me know she’s had enough.
24. Please don’t make a mess
The entire 24 hours would be us arguing about why she shouldn’t vomit or pee on carpeted surfaces.
She’d be the type to make a Powerpoint stating her case and I’d hear her out but there would be some tense back and forth happening.
25. Falling on deaf ears
I wouldn’t get a word in edgeways while suffering a 24 hour non-stop rant how I don’t feed them on time, that they starve to death if I delay their feeding time for 5 minutes, that it’s of national, nay, international importance that I give them food on demand, that I build a large warehouse full of food so there would never be a moment of intense suffering of no food for one single moment. I think you get the idea.
Just as well, I’m deaf, I wouldn’t understand a f***ing thing they say.