The Most Hilarious Real-Life Stories Of Sleepwalkers And Sleeptalkers


Have you ever awoken to a conversation with someone who is still asleep? Sleep-talking – or ‘somniloquy’, as it’s called by experts – is much more common in young children, with about 40% of them chattering as they slumber. Still, a few of us will stick with this habit into adulthood, which can result in some hilarious and bizarre encounters.

Even more uncannily, sleepwalkers can get up to all kinds of late-night antics. There are reports of people eating, texting, driving and even dissembling a clock in their sleep – all oblivious to their actions once they wake up.

If you’ve ever shared a room with a sleepwalker or sleeptalker, you’ll know their unconscious activities can be disarming to say the least. As narrated on Reddit by the nearest and dearest of sleepwalkers and sleeptalkers, here are some accounts of the funniest and strangest night-time episodes.

1. Foul-mouthed nap

My best friend who used to sleep over all the time has some amazing stories about me too. In one of them, he says I just suddenly sat up, and stayed there, looking fixed at him. And he was like “Derek, what is it?”, and I kept staring. “…. Derek?” And then, at the top of my lungs, I said: “you son of a b****, go **** YOURSELF”. And then just went straight back to sleep.

I don’t curse, at all. I sound more like Ned Flanders than anyone else… When I’m awake, that is.

Also I talk too much when I’m sleeping, almost every day I have someone tell me I did SOMETHING while sleeping, but its mostly just saying funny things, like “take that toaster out of the cat’s hands.”



2. Yoghurt crisis

Not my current partner but my ex-boyfriend sometimes talks in his sleep and the funniest story was this one time I was still up reading a book and I hadn’t noticed that he was already asleep next to me.


Suddenly he bursts out ” Will you just give me the f***ing yogurt already, Shannon!?” in a flawless British accent and scares the s*** out of me.

We’re both German and none of our first languages include English. We didn’t know a Shannon. He’s lactose-intolerant.


3. Polite conversation

My girl woke up one night and said “Did you find your rocks?” and I asked her what she was talking about and she said “I don’t know, I’m just trying to make conversation.” and promptly went back to sleep.


She has no recollection of this.



4. Spoiled dream

My boyfriend woke me up the other day by gently putting his fingers in my mouth and I kept moving my head out of the way until eventually I was like “can you stop that!!!”

He then sounded genuinely upset and asked why I woke him up as he was having a really nice dream about feeding a deer. Brilliant.



5. Intruder

My wife’s favourite story to tell is that she woke up in the middle of the night to find me slowly walking out of our bedroom. Wife: “Are you ok? What are you doing?” Me: “There’s somebody downstairs in the kitchen, unrolling the tinfoil.” Wife: “Ooooo-Kay. What’s your plan?” Me: “I’m going to stop them.” Wife: “Shall we get a bit more sleep then both go down together?” Me: “Ok”.


And I went back to bed. Subsequent investigations found a small plastic bag on the floor, near my head, being rustled by the movement of the curtain, the window being open.


6. Restless sleeper

My boyfriend either recites postcodes (delivery driver) or calls the dog in his sleep.


So either he is mad no one is responding to his postcode nonsense or I get a flying 30kg dog to my body.



7. Eerie baby

My aunt likes to tell the story about her and my cousin sharing a hotel room one time. My aunt woke up having to pee, and found my cousin sitting up in bed with her arms folded across her abdomen, kind of rocking back and forth and giggling quietly.

When my aunt asked her what she was doing, my cousin said, “I’m holding a baby and it has an adult smile!” I found this story deeply unsettling.



8. Late-night fright

Once my ex said “horse.” That’s all. Just horse. But with a sense of urgency.

The same ex told me I once sat straight up in bed and mumbled, “Jesus, grandma, you scared the s*** out of me.”


I had been dreaming that I was in bed at night and my grandma (still alive at the time) wandered into the room and stood at the end of the bed with a blank stare.


9. Baby penguin

So this one time while my s/o was sleeping, she randomly reaches over and starts to pet my leg softly. When I ask her what she’s doing she looks at me like I’m stupid and says “what does it look like? I’m petting this fluffy baby penguin.”


Then she pauses for a second, pats my leg again and blurts our “Wait this isn’t a penguin!” I have never laughed so hard over someone talking in their sleep.



10. Soothing influence

My wife started screaming one night that she was lost in the local grocery store. And that no matter where she went she couldn’t find her way out. I asked her has she tried checking out at the cash registers?

She then looked at me and said in her most sincere voice, “that’s why you are the smartest person I know.” And she rolled over and fell back asleep.



11. Imaginary problems

One time I was very upset because “the kids” (we don’t have kids) were eating oreos in bed.


My husband said, “they went to the kitchen,” and I promptly fell back asleep.


12. Menacing words

I was watching tv once when my sister came out of her room, and shoved her pillow in a kitchen drawer. After that she crossed the living room, opened the front door and said “they’re almost here.”


She closed the door, and went back to her room. It was my first experience with sleepwalking, and scared the complete s*** out of me. As far as I am aware, that is the only incident she has ever had.



13. Resident alligator

My wife was an avid sleep talked for a long time and her midnight announcements range from simple single words to elaborate speeches. The ones that really stand out to me are:

Waking up in the middle of the night to her suddenly sitting violently up in bed, throwing back the covers, and screeeeaaaaming: “TARANTULA!!”. That will make you very awake, very quickly.

Whispering my name repeatedly which woke me up so she could share in a hushed, cautious voice: “There is an alligator in here.” When I expressed my concern (playing along) she told me, still whispering, that: “It’s okay. It has been here before.”

But my all time favourite was when, from her perspective as she later explained, she was dreaming that I was playfully sneaking up on her and she saw me and was calling me on it. From my perspective, my wife sat up in the middle of the night, starting into the darkest corner of the room and said repeatedly in a soft sing-song voice: “I seeee youuuu.” My flipping blood froze.



14. Sleep fighter

My grandfather was a hard sleep talker – my grandmother has a funny story.


One day my grandfather while sleeping was saying” do i punch this a**hole” my grandmother replied yeah punch him then my grandfather in his sleep punched her.


15. Sleep-eating

My mum who is in her 80s, often falls asleep in her chair while I’m visiting her. She sleep eats. Not real food but she goes through the motions of holding a plate and bringing food to her mouth.


It’s hilarious watching her. I asked her once if it was nice and she said yes it’s very tasty.



16. Unknown places

Years ago, my wife was mumbling in her sleep and seemed a bit upset. I wanted to comfort her, without waking her up too much, so I said, “Honey, you’re fine. Do you know where you are?”

She slugged me in the arm, and said “I’m in place where punch buggies are seen first.” She then rolled over and muttered to herself, “chugga-chugga-chugga-buggy”, and went back to sleep.

She didn’t remember a thing the next morning.



17. Busy mind

My mom sleepwalks sometimes. When she was in the middle of her residency, she came into my room in the middle of the night and sharply asked, “Did you give {patient} her dose of {medication} like I asked you to 15 minutes ago?”

I groggily replied, “Who? Wha?”


She just huffed and said, “Well I guess that answers my question.” Before turning around and leaving. (without closing the door of course)

She didn’t remember a thing about it the next morning.


18. Strange visions

My boyfriend scoots over to me to big spoon/little spoon, and I snuggle in, thinking that’s all it was, then he gets real close to my ear and whispers, “Just so you know, there’s something in the closet. Like a… a cartoon turtle.”


I did my best not to bust out laughing and just said, “Ok honey!” When he woke up, he had no memory of it whatsoever, of course!



19. Customer service

I remember one night mum and I sat in the hallway giggling because my brother and dad were having a sleep conversation in different rooms.


Brother : “CAN I HELP YOU DAD?”


Brother : “WHAT?”




20. Chocolate cash

My boyfriend had his tonsils removed awhile back, so he was on some pain-reducing drugs that kept him sedated and, in his words, made him “a f***ing dumbass.”


He had a conversation in his sleep with me about how I shouldn’t trust leprechauns, because they conned him out of gold coins by giving him foil-wrapped chocolate coins instead. Also, he said not to trust Irish people, because they were honorary leprechauns.


20. Weather man

My younger brother and I used to share a room and used bunkbeds.


One night I heard him mumble, “I don’t create the weather, I just predict it.”



21. The Flash

My mum has to [wake up] my younger brother and most recently he sat up while still asleep.

He started moving his arms really quickly as though running and said, “I am the fastest man alive, Barry Allen.”


CW's The Flash: A Decline in Quality | ComicBook Debate


22. Mumbling maths

1 o’clock in the morning I got a phone call from my friend in the next street. My 6 year old daughter had just knocked on her door and then walked in mumbling about not being able to do her sums!


I raced up there and walked home with her, put her back to bed and she didn’t wake up or remember a thing the next day. By the next night our house was like Fort Knox!!!


23. Missing arm

He started shouting that he couldn’t feel his left arm. I pointed out he was pinching his pillow, not his arm.


He then freaked out that he had lost his arm. I pointed out his arm was UNDER his pillow. He said ok and started snoring. It took me another hour to get back to sleep.



24. Distraught

My GF does a bit of sleep-talking. [One time] I mentioned a sheep character from Animal Crossing (Dom).

She sounded like she was about to cry saying “he doesn’t have hands.” (Which, to be fair, he doesn’t).



25. Peace and quiet

One time, my ex was asleep and start to snore progressively loud.


He startled himself half awake, and he says out loud (to himself) “shut UP, I’m sleeping”. Oh I snorted my drink through my nose.


26. Gross

One time, in the middle of the night, I sleepwalked trough my parents’ room (the only washroom on that floor was through their room) and peed in the bathtub. I then proceeded to walk through their room, nod at my dad who had just gone to bed, then go back to my room as if nothing had happened.


Another incident, my mom was walking through the guest room (which I was using as we had family staying in my room) to go to the washroom, and I sat up, fully asleep, and started yelling at her. Apparently I had been dreaming that she had done something to make me mad, and that leaked out of my dream and made my sleeping self angry at her.



27. Contact lenses

My brother was an epic sleepwalker when he was younger. On a family trip many years ago when we were in grade school, he had an episode. I was wearing contacts at the time. They were in their case being cleaned/stored on those little useless tables hotels tend to have.

The first night in the hotel, he seemed to wake up, muttering to himself. I’m a light sleeper, so it didn’t take much for me to wake up. As everyone else was asleep, I watched him walk over to the table. He stood there for an awkwardly long period of time. As if he suddenly realized how much he hated my ability to see, he swiped the table with a muted growl. My contact case and solution crashed to the ground. Seemingly pleased with himself, he returned to bed. I took a moment, tried not to laugh to wake anyone up, then put my contacts back on the table.



28. Playing with food

My little girl is a sleepeater, sleepwalker and like me, a sleep talker. When she was 2 years old (she’s 7 now), I woke up about 2-3 am to go to the bathroom. She was sitting in the living room on the floor, with my purse on one side and her piggy bank on the other. My coin purse was dumped in between her legs and she was playing with the change.


When she was 6, my husband found her in the living room with a box of Post Blueberry Morning cereal. She had dumped the box on the carpet, spread it out (crushing it into the carpet…) and was eating all the blueberries out of it.


29. Scaring his uncle

My cousin, Robby, has been sleepwalking for the past year. My favorite story is when our uncle slept over at my cousin’s house. My uncle was sleeping in Robby’s room (which is in the basement) and Robby was sleeping on the couch on the 1st floor.


Well, in the middle of the night, Robby got up and sleepwalked into his room (where our uncle was sleeping). Our uncle says that he slowly woke up and laid in the dark for a few minutes before feeling as if he was being watched. He slowly turns around to see a looming figure standing over his bed. My uncle lets out a (according to him) a loud scream before realizing that it is indeed Robby. He pokes Robby and asks him if he’s okay, Robby, still asleep, walks over to the other side of the bed, climbs in and falls asleep right next to our uncle. Our uncle shrugs and goes back to sleep as well.



30. A panicking girlfriend

My girlfriend used to talk at the beginning of her night and I love have a discussion with her. It’s usually totally crazy. Just yesterday, she started to talk 10 minutes after going to bed. She said that she slept well and she was ready to go work. I replied that she was late and she has to go to shower quickly else she will lose her job.

At this moment, she woke up and looked the clock but she was totally lost, she didn’t understand what happened. She was sure it was the morning and believed that I changed the clock. I took almost 10 minutes to convince her that she could sleep again.



31. Wandered off

One summer at school we got word that there was a student missing (military academy, freshmen had to stay in rooms or bathroom at night). We’ve heard of people running off before, so we rally my classmates and search the barracks. We even enlist the help of some of the freshmen.


Then we extend the search to the whole campus and the police force. We eventually find him curled up next to a tree with his comforter with no idea how he got there.


32. An angry girlfriend

Once with an ex girlfriend, she woke me up in the middle of the night to ask how me how much I loved her. I didn’t wake up, but just said “In comparison to what?”


When, the next morning, she was all p***ed off and angry with me, I was utterly bewildered until she filled me in.



33. Still on shift

I work at a fast food restaurant and had completed a 9 hour shift before going to a friend’s 18th.

My boyfriend and I came back to my house and crashed in bed. We were spooning and I had fallen asleep unintentionally. I proceeded to ask my boyfriend “so, would you like that hamburger plain then?”


34. Lots of questions

Not me, but my sister. She used to sleepwalk and sleeptalk quite frequently. Sometimes just one of those. I’d occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to hear her having a conversation with nobody in her sleep. She’d also once in a while sleepwalk into someone’s room, wake them up, and ask a completely nonsensical question.


She once asked my parents if tap dancing was black magic or white magic, and wouldn’t go back to bed until they answered. I think to appease her they said it was white magic? Another time she woke me up and asked if I wanted to play a board game. I was still half asleep, so I wasn’t thinking straight myself and said “We can play one tomorrow.” At this point she was very demanding and said “No, now!” I was too stunned and tired to come up with a response at this point, but she fortunately just went back to bed after a moment.

35. An imaginary boat

My grandfather grew up around boats and sailed until he was too old to perform most of the tasks involved with sailing.


When my mom was a little girl, he would sleepwalk into the bathroom and just stand there steering a boat in his sleep, sometimes until morning when either my grandmother or mom would find him.



36. Double whammy

When I was in college I lived with my boyfriend, his best friend, and his girlfriend. This other girl did both, walk and talk while asleep. We just got used to it. The best one was once she walked out into the hallway and screamed that there was a pterodactyl in the yard. Her boyfriend came out and walked her to their room.

My boyfriend got up pulled on his jeans and walked out. When he came back I asked where he’d gone. He said just to check the yard. I said “what the f***? Check the yard? For a dinosaur?”. He looked at me and I asked him what he thought she’d said. He shrugged and went back to sleep. Next morning, neither of them remembered it. It’s become a running joke about checking the yard for a pterodactyl.



37. That’s blunt

When I was around 12 my family went to the beach and we brought a couple of my friends (who were brothers) with us. One night the younger of the two brothers went to bed early while his older brother and I played the gamecube.


When we finally went to bed I had to walk past where the younger one was sleeping. When I did, he sat up, flipped me the double bird, and said “F*** you,” and lay back down. Mind you this kid was 10 years old at the time.


38. The bread man

I was sleeping over at a friend’s house, and he woke up before me in the morning.


He walked by where I was sleeping, and I apparently sat up in the bed, stared at him in wide-eyed confusion, yelled “THE BREAD-MAN!!!” and fell right back asleep.



39. Grim

Well, this was about 8 years ago and was an extremely funny event. I was getting a drink of water from the fridge when my brother walks in. Now I, not knowing he is asleep, just walk past him. Before returning to my room I hear water splashing on the tile floor.

I turn around to see my brother pants around ankles, taking a p*** in the middle of the kitchen floor. I go and wake him up, he stops peeing and promptly walks back to his room as if nothing happened. I cleaned up the p*** and then went back to bed.


40. A broken nose

As a kid I slept walked a lot. We lived in a 2 family house on the top floor and one night I slept walked out the front door into the common stairwell and fell all the way down the stairs. My dad had to install an alarm so that when the front door opened an alarm would go off to wake me up.


After 5 years of no sleep walking I went to Boy Scout sleep away camp. the very first night I got out of my bunk with no flashlight and slept walked a half a mile into the woods until I tripped and broke my nose, I think I fell on a rock but it might of been a tree. My dad was one of the troop leaders and took me home the next day. since then I haven’t slept walked.


41. Sweet dreams

It was about a week into my first year of college, and I had just recently met my roommate. She had a tendency for going to bed a little earlier than me. I was just sitting on my bed with my laptop and she bolts right up out of bed and looks at me.


Suddenly she goes, “Where are the lollipops?” and I’m sitting there confused because I don’t know what is happening. Then she goes “Throw the gummy bears out the window!” and she kept repeating that while I’m sitting there going “I don’t know what you’re talking about! We dont have any gummy bears!” to which she replies cheerily, “Okay!” and goes back to sleep.



42. Spiders

My SO sometimes sleepwalks and sleeptalks. I’ve woken up more that a few times to him talking to himself, or walking around the bedroom. The time that really sticks in my mind though was when he woke up at about 2am. He got out of bed, switched the main bedroom light on (which was what woke me up), and ripped the duvet off.

I started yelling at him, asking him what the bloody hell he thought he was doing. I think he started to wake up this point, as he started mumbling something about saving me from all of the spiders.



43. Terrifying

My family and I were staying in a friend’s apartment in Brazil. My brother and I were staying in the same room. One night, I had a dream where he was cheating at Monopoly and I caught him. I was so furious, that I just started screaming, “SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!”


Next thing I know, my parents are literally running into the room to figure out what’s wrong. They thought he was jumping out of the window or something because I’d apparently screamed it out loud in my sleep.


44. Leave

I was staying with my boyfriend one weekend while at college and he randomly in the middle of the night tells me very angrily, “Well aren’t you going to leave?!” Very confused, I told him “I… I mean, I can if you want.” “Isn’t that what we just talked about?!”


From there he finally woke up and felt kind of bad, haha. He also sleepwalked at my house and tried to “open a wall” because he thought he was in his house and a door should’ve been there.



45. A new language

I regularly walk/talk in my sleep. Among wandering around, applying makeup, playing with the cats, my husband says I frequently speak Spanish in my sleep. I’m fluent in French and English, but only know a few words of Spanish.

My husband says I go on and on in perfect Spanish about anything. He’ll repeat what I would say (he’s fluent in Spanish) and I usually can’t understand it when I’m awake and conscious.



46. The train

Favorite sleep talking story of my SO: he jumps up in the middle of the night and says, “Look look look, the train is going down the hill!!” I repeated, “The train is going down the hill?”


He stopped looked straight at me and said, “Yes, What part of the train is going down the hill do you not understand?” then went right back to sleep. What a d***.


47. Locked out

I used to sleepwalk a little bit, but it was pretty tame stuff, aside from the time I was half-awake and couldn’t find the zipper for the tent I was in. But the one that takes the cake in my family is my dad. He used to live in an apartment in Queens, NYC. It wasn’t the worst neighborhood, but it still wasn’t a place that was safe after nightfall. He lived on the top floor, and once managed to sleepwalk out of his apartment with the door locked behind him.


He then proceeded to not only call the elevator, but get in it, and push the ground floor button. He then sleepwalks OUT of his apartment building, the door again locking shut behind him. It’s just when the outside door clicks locked that he wakes up, and realizes he’s in nothing but his tighty-whites. He had to find a payphone, and collect call the apartment superintendent, then wait outside at 03:30 in the morning for an hour for the super to get there. To this day, if he’s in an unfamiliar place, he hooks a key onto his underwear in case that ever happens again.



48. The noisy roommate

Had a roommate who talked in his sleep. Walked into our dorm room late at night and he yelled out “What the hell, mom! Go away! Alright, I’ll take the Norwegian battleaxe, you guys take the swords.”

Another time, I’m at my desk studying, he’s fallen asleep while browsing reddit. He sits straight up and looks at me. The conversation went something like this:

Him: “Dude! We’ve gotta close the door, they’re coming for us!”

Me: “The door is already closed.”

Him: “Yeah, I know! That’s why we have to close it!”

Me: “Dude, you’re asleep. Wake up.”

Him: (eyes start rolling around…blinking wildly) “Huh? What…hey, whassup?”

Me: “Yeah, you were asleep. Go back to bed.”



49. Into the woods

I used to sleepwalk quite a bit when I was younger. At boy scout camp I sleepwalked into brier bushes on more than one occasion. It’s pretty scary getting woken up in the middle of the night by scratches to your arms and legs only to find yourself in the middle of nowhere in the darkness.


Two times I found my way back to my tent on my own. One time I couldn’t and had to yell for help. It was really embarrassing.


50. The fan

Me and a group of friends were at one of their houses. Everyone was passed out except me and 1 of my buddies. Suddenly one of the other guy sits straight up and stares at us. We finally say “what?” and he mutters something about the servers, which makes some sense as we were playing a game all day, Tibia to be exact.


He then points at the fan behind him with a very upset look on his face. We ask what is wrong with the fan and he says “Yeah, that’s what it does!” and falls back down as quickly as he sat up. We like to make fun of him for it.



51. Sweet memories

This actually happened last night, my fiance started talking to me like we had never met before and after a minute I realized that she was dreaming about our first date.

It was really wholesome and I was surprised at how much detail she remembers.



52. Hallucinating

My wife not only sleep talks, but she also hallucinates. She has woken me up numerous time because there are kittens under my pillow that she needs to rescue. Or another recent adventure was when she dreamt there was a snake in our bed and it was going to attack me.


She jumped out of bed, turned on the lights and ripped off the comforter. She then proceeded to tell me about how she saved me, that she was a hero and she was excited to be meeting with Steve Irwin.


53. The farters

My partner was asleep, and I was reading in bed.

Him mumbling: The farters.

Me: The farters?


Him: The farters are farting. Prepare yourself.

Cracks me up every time I think about it.



54. 3D printing

My boyfriend was asleep on the couch in our apartment, and he sat up and said, “It’s starting to look like my apartment in here.” I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, “Well, now with 3D printing, you can be like, ‘Put a chair over here, gimme a chair right there.”

I asked him what he was talking about again, and he said there was an app for it. He picked up his work phone and looked for the app, made a frustrated sound, picked up his personal phone and looked for the app, and then said, “You wouldn’t understand” and went back to sleep.



55. Insecurities

I had to share a room with my brother in our teens. He always mumbled unintelligible garbage waking me up. One night he just blurted out “the monkey eats the frooooog.” Next day he kept telling everyone about this crazy Starfox dream he had that night.

As an adult though, I’m the sleep talker. According to past partners, I’ve got some deep seated insecurities.


“Don’t leave me. I’m sorry I have a small mouth.”

Once I got half woken up when my gf tried to cuddle me from behind. “You scared me, I thought you were a backpack.”


56. Sinister laugh

My boyfriend laughs in his sleep, it’s f***ing terrifying to be woken up in the middle of the night hearing someone snickering next to you. He didn’t know he did it, so he never had to tell me but the first time it happened I thought someone had broken into my house and f*** with us. He still does the same laugh now, and it still creeps me out.


He also talks in his sleep, always goes on about “my blanket needs trimming,” or “the toes are in the bean jar” like dude I don’t know what you’re dreaming about but sounds awesome.



57. Sitting up straight

So I’m the sleep talker. One of my husband’s favourites of mine is the night I sat straight up saying, “Death to the Stormcloaks!” and immediately went back to sleep.

I think he’s shared that gem at every party since then.


Why The Stormcloaks Are Bad And You Should Feel Bad - UNILAD


58. No cats

Former Sleepwalker here. Mom said that I walked up to her bed and said “the cats are escaping”.


She politely told me we don’t have any cats. I answered “so that’s why they’re not there”. She then told me to go back to bed. I did not remember ever saying that.


59. Sandwich scare

My ex husband talked in his sleep every night. Our daughter began babbling in her sleep as a baby and still talks in her sleep pretty much every night.


Occasionally they yell out. One night when I was still with my ex, I was right on the edge of falling asleep. He yelled out so loudly CHICKEN SANDWICH!!! and scared me half to death.



60. Dangerous activity

Some day, idk when, I just sleepwalked over to the fridge, took out a whole a** chicken and threw it down the balcony where it nearly knocked off somebody down there.

I know this because they told me about it the next day.



61. Early morning coffee

I once asked my boyfriend if he could make some coffee way before wake up time. He happily did so, only to have me (now awake) tell him that it’s way to early for coffee and ask him why he would do that.


He was a bit annoyed at first but after we found out what happened, we had a good laugh about it. Sometimes we have whole conversations that I have no memory of.


62. Essential supplies

Not my partner, but was on a camping trip with some friends and at midnight one of them screamed out:


“Don’t forget the mountain dew!” and he didn’t remember saying it. Best thing I’ve ever heard.



63. Football match

Went to a private school for a couple years, and boarded (stayed overnight) a few times. Woke up one morning to everyone looking tired af and p***ed at me.

Apparently I’d commentated a full football match in my sleep, with replays and full hype over the goals. Don’t remember it at all.



64. Age-old grudge

My husband says I talk in my sleep and one night, apparently, I yelled out “I knew ye would betray me!”


Lmao he said not only do I talk in my sleep, I travel back in time.


65. Pumpkintown

Just last night my husband sat up like a bullet and began searching for his watch. He found it and declared, “We shall call it Pumpkintown!” He hands me the watch like an award and shakes my hand and says that he is the Mayor of Pumpkintown. Then I said Oooh thank you Mayor! He next laid down smiling from ear to ear.


I ask “Were you recently elected?” He says “Yes! Yes!” And nods his head emphatically. He then puts his watch on. I ask him way. He says “I always need to know the time here ‘cause I’m the mayor!” He is so proud to be Mayor that for the rest of the night he says it periodically. The next day he remembers nothing.



66. Vampire

I woke up one night with my wife’s hands in my mouth. When I sat up and asked what she was doing her reply was:

“I thought you were a vampire”. 20 years later I still tease her about that one.



67. Perfect accent

My Chinese college roommate (he speaks good English but has a fairly thick accent) once sat up in bed.


He said in perfect, clear, American accented English, like a 30s radio announcer, “what a beautiful creature,” and went right back to sleep.


68. Pet concerns

Our son is a sleep talker and walker now. Sometimes he just comes into the room and says something like “I forgot to let pikachu out to go to the bathroom.”


We’ll say “ok, well, I’m sure he can hold it till the morning” and he goes “ok” and goes back to bed.



69. Menacing idea

My old ex rolled over one night after she’d fallen asleep and just giggled and said “I just made like a PILE of bodies.”

And then she rolled back over and went to sleep. I was concerned.



70. Life imitating art

I was watching Oculus, a pretty good scary movie. My wife at the time hated scary movies so I could only ever watch them way late at night. So the movie finishes up at like 3 in the morning and I head off the to bead.


I usually don’t get to scared at movies like that but when I get into the room, my wife sat straight up and goes “who’s there?!” In a sort of panic. She slept talk pretty regularly so I wasn’t phased. I calm her down and just say “it’s only me go back to bed!”. To which she replies “no not you, the guy behind you!”. I didn’t sleep that night at all.


71. The vendor

I’m the sleep talker. In college I shared a dorm. Two beds.

One night while my roommate was reading, I apparently got half out of bed, took my shirt off, made a stance like I was about to do push-ups under the covers and asked him:


“Would you like to buy some hot dogs?” Then I went back to sleep lol.



72. Noisy sleeper

I had a friend in first grade who I found out was a sleep talker when I spent the night at his house. I wasn’t able to drift off because I was a bit nervous in a new place, so I was staring wide eyed at the ceiling from the top bunk for hours.

In the middle of the night, well after he had zonked out, he loudly said “We’ll never get any sleep if you keep talking!” I looked at him in the bottom bunk, but he was still very much asleep.



73. Bug fright

A common occurrence with my wife is “hey, HEY, wake up! There’s a bug! There’s a big black bug!” “It’s pitch black and there’s no bug…” “yes there is! I swear! There’s a big black bug in the bed!” “No there’s not…”


“HMMPH well do YOU want a bug in the bed?!” Another night she woke up standing at the toaster making toast.


74. Ready for school

My little sister got up at 1am once and started getting ready for school. When she came out of the bathroom I asked her what she was doing. She mumbled something about getting ready for school and being late.


I told her it was the middle of the night on Saturday. She said “oh” and walked back into her room. She’s pretty famous for getting up and doing s*** around the house too. It’s starting to stop tho.



75. Celebrity guest

One night I was shaken awake by my startled husband. He was sitting up straight and kept mumbling and pointing to a corner of the bedroom. I asked what was wrong and I kept trying to get him to look at me.

Finally he exclaims: “MILEY CYRUS! MILEY CYRUS IS IN THE CORNER!” He then promptly laid back down and rolled over without another sound. He left me staring at that corner for a few minutes trying to make sense of what had just happened.