Rodney Dangerfield’s Best Wife Jokes

Stand-up comedy has changed a lot over the years, but certain jokes never grow old – even if they don’t necessarily fit with the changing tastes or moods of the time. The late, great Rodney Dangerfield was one of the true kings of the one-liner, and if there was any subject he really excelled at, it was making jokes about his supposedly terrible relationship with his wife.

A lot of Dangerfield’s legendary wife-based zingers wouldn’t go down too well with some more politically sensitive audiences today, but we’d be very surprised if these jokes didn’t raise a smirk or two.

Like wine

“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”

Good-looking kids

“I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

Bridge club

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”

Attached to a machine

“I shouldn’t make jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive – the refrigerator.”

Can’t stop laughing

“My wife and I, we never have sex. We get undressed, we can’t stop laughing.”

Like magic

“When I have sex with my wife, it’s like magic. As soon as I get in bed, she disappears.”

Screams

“When my wife does have sex, she screams. Especially when I walk in on her.”

House on fire

“Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, ‘be quiet, you’ll wake up Daddy.'”

Caddyshack

“This your wife? Lovely lady. She must have been something before electricity.” (Dangerfield portraying Al Czervik in Caddyshack)

We were happy…

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

The birds and bees

“The other day I told my kid about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher.”

Sexy negligee

“My wife met at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately she was just coming home.”

Sex in the car

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car. And she wants me to drive.”

Roaches

“My wife can’t cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.”

Haven’t spoken

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

Vegetarian

“My wife is a strict vegetarian. In fact, when I met her she was grazing on the front lawn.”

The doctor

“I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”

Driver’s test

“My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got eight out of ten. The other two guys jumped clear.”

Afraid of the dark

“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.”

Scale of 1 to 10

“I asked my wife, ‘on a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘you know I’m no good at fractions.'”

Like the dog

“We learned our sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.”

Olympic sex

“My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.”

Jealousy

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

Second opinion

“I told my wife she was lousy in bed. She went out and got a second opinion.”

I know how to satisfy

“I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. Yeah, I leave.”